I have burned dinner again. That's right. You read it correctly. AGAIN. It's not that I am a neglectful person, or even a rotten cook, though my children may be of a dissenting opinion about that one. It comes from the sheer compulsion to check my e-mails whenever I have a free minute. Such as when my two and four-year-olds are playing harmoniously outside, and I haven't heard the word "Mama" in five minutes. My overwhelming desire to stay connected with the outside world just takes over. That's when my legs whisk me up the stairs to my home office for a quick peek at whomever has come a'calling electronically.
It appears to me that a new invention is required for my current dilemma. My personal computer is too bulky to put in the kitchen where most of my domestic infractions occur. A lap top is equally impractical as my lap only exists for the time it takes to darn a sock, and then I am off running in another direction towards a meandering toddler whose hand is caught in the VCR or some such.
What we mothers need is a face top, not a lap top. Even when we are sitting, there is usually some child or other sitting on our laps. A face top would take care of all that. Much like the virtual video games that require night vision goggles similar to what recon soldiers wear, we moms could don the googles whenever we needed. We could check our e-mails while stirring the spaghetti sauce or program the eyewear to take dinner orders from ravishing children. It would have another practical implication: sunglasses would become obsolete, thereby erasing the problem of smug preschoolers who are dying to rip apart your designer shades. You simply wouldn't need to invest in such expensive accessories for the duration of your motherhood, which is forever.
A face top would have other benefits. You could scare off potential prowlers posing as delivery men when you come to answer the front door. Nary a neighbor would come by unannounced, lest you be wearing your goggle gadget. Your children would have something to brag about at show-and-tell. "My mom is part robot. All I have to do is push the blue button, and she starts cooking my favorite meal!" Perhaps most importantly, your husband would garner a new respect for his multitasking wife. Most assuredly, his shirts would be ironed more often if his wife knew she could surf the World Wide Web while doing it.
Wireless technology could improve the lives of those parents who worry incessantly that one of your offspring might get run over by a car while playing in the yard. You could attach a device to the child that would sound off on the face top, alerting you whenever danger draws near. Neighborhood dogs would keep their distance as the high-pitch contraption spewed out its warning. Now that's something to think about. And I will. But at the moment, I have to go. I think I smell something burning.
Christine Hohlbaum, American author of Diary of a Mother: Parenting Stories and Other Stuff, lives with her husband and two children near Munich, Germany. Visit her web site at:
http://mypages.iparenting.com/webs/diaryofamother/diaryofamother.html
mailto: chohlbaum@smith.alumnae.net
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